“Resiliency” is the term often used to describe military spouses and military families. The ability to adapt and overcome in the face of stress. It has become quite the “buzz word” in the mental health industry and the military family support complex. It took me several years to re-define what resiliency meant to me as a military spouse.
In many ways, the military lifestyle has afforded me and my family opportunities that I am forever grateful for. Being able to experience new cultures, the unexpected opportunities for personal growth and the friends that have become part of our family over the years.
However, I also know what it feels like to have the duty of “keeping it all together” in the face of lengthy deployments and countless relocations. But it is in those moments where life becomes overwhelming, and resiliency feels more like an insult to injury.
Resiliency, as I understood it, fell short when our family received our first assignment to a high-conflict overseas post as I was 6 months pregnant with our son. Being so far away from family during that time was harder than usual. We eventually delivered our healthy baby boy at a military hospital state-side. But a traumatic birth experience left me struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression. My husband and I were sleep deprived and trying to adjust to being new parents. I was still trying to heal physically, emotionally, and mentally. It was a LOT. It felt like my resiliency was lost in transit somewhere. But the military mission mandated our families return to our overseas post only 45 days after the birth of our son. I felt devastated to have to leave our family again, and somewhat ashamed that I couldn’t keep it all together. It was like I no longer had a choice or a voice. I needed my husband, and our son needed us both. So, we boarded the plane again with luggage and infant in tow.
This is when I realized just how difficult it is for Military Spouses to access personalized and quality support in times when it is needed most. I couldn’t access therapy directly after the birth of our son because of lengthy waitlist to speak to a therapist at the military hospital. I was often told that what I was experiencing was “just postpartum” and that I will “feel better soon”. But it wasn’t, and I didn’t. I experienced first-hand the limitations of Tricare, and referrals to culturally inappropriate providers. Providers that didn’t have the knowledge of Military Spouse lifestyle and needs. Providers that didn’t understand postpartum needs made complicated by military life. And the limitations of Military One Source, which is a wonderful resource, but only offered short term, non-clinical support. I knew I needed something more, something deeper. I knew spouses like me deserved more.
So, despite all the military related challenges I faced, I took the time to prioritize my own healing. I found a therapist on my own accord that understood military spouse needs. I re-engaged in yoga practice and found other mothers to connect with both in my local community and remotely. I allowed myself the time and space to have all the emotions that come with motherhood. I leaned on my husband, and we began advocating for our family’s needs.
In this process, I began to realize that resiliency is not simply a character trait that one has, or the act of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps”. It’s not simply waiting to feel better, or “embracing the suck”. It’s not the face that we put on to show that we have it all together (when really, we don’t). In fact, resiliency is not a THING at all, resiliency is much more dynamic than that.
Resilience comes from interactions between people and their environment. It is relational in nature. It is a verb, a process, a doing. It includes connecting, receiving, asking for help, being vulnerable, advocating and participating. Resiliency is fluid, often changing across time and circumstances. It is the magic we feel when we are sitting with someone who just “gets it”, and the empowerment we carry when we finally feel seen, heard, and supported.
My personal experience is what motivates me to create a therapy practice that prioritizes military spouse wellness. (We don’t always get to put ourselves first, after all!) I aim to increase access to support that is culturally responsive, relational, dynamic, and connected. Military Spouses often carry more than what is seen on the surface. It is the goal of my practice to help lift at least a little of the burden, so it is not carried alone.
If this story resonates with you in any way, or if you are a military spouse looking for more, lets chat!
Resiliency in transit
